Fellowship with a Capital "F"

Today I would like to share about Fellowship, “Association between individuals especially on pleasant or intimate terms. Synonyms: company, companionship, society” (see Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

Fellowship in recovery is critical.Giving individual support, receiving personal support, attending meetings, reaching out on the telephone, giving service, and seeking ecclesiastical and family support; these are all effective ways of building a foundation of fellowship as we strive to abstain from the harmful substances and behaviors that threaten us. Every one of these avenues for fellowship is part of my everyday life in recovery. However, I have found another source of fellowship that is unlike any of the things I just listed.This fellowship is different because I can enjoy it any time, night or day.I can experience it in a crowd or in the quiet of my own solitary company, in my pajamas, my jeans, or my Sunday best, in my car or lying on my pillow.It is fellowship with the Lord through His Holy Spirit. In every recovery meeting I have ever attended one or more participants mention that they come to the meeting to feel the Spirit. I hope they understand that the Spirit they feel is not limited to the meeting they are sitting in, that the same Spirit they are feeling in the rooms of recovery can leave with them, strengthen them against temptation, and give them the comfort they seek all day and all night long. This is Fellowship with a capital “F.”

By Nannette W.

Posted Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Copyright 2011 by Nannette W. All right reserved. Making or sending copies is permitted if the page is not changed in any way and the material is not used for profit.This notice must be included on each copy made or sent.

Triathlon Part 2 – Never Alone!

As I began the biking part of the triathlon my mind went back to the first time I participated in an organized challenge of this type. It was a 10 K run on the Fourth of July. I remember feeling nervous and excited as I joined all the other athletes that summer morning in 1992. There was great energy, anticipation, and camaraderie in the air. The starting gun sounded. I moved forward with the crowd, giving it all I had. One after the other, each person in the group sped past me until I was looking at every runner from behind. Up ahead there was a bend in the road. I jogged on and watched as the crowd ahead of me disappeared around the corner. That was the last I saw of my “comrades.” I felt entirely alone. During the rest of the race I never saw another runner. My one and only running partner that day was the Lord.

Much of the time I wondered if I was really on the route. Then I would come upon the water station hosted by “the Culligan Man.” The volunteer would assure me that I was on the right track, wish me well, and then close up shop. I never quit running and I never quit praying. The last couple of miles I actually ran along the parade route, along side a parade that was in full swing. The words come to mind, “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.” I wasn’t beating anyone so I might as well join the parade.

I had never actually run six miles in my life. Three miles was my top run in preparation. By mile five I was really beyond myself. I continued to ask for the strength to finish. I kept putting one foot in front of the other. I’m sure to the onlookers it seemed like I was nearly jogging in place. Somewhere between a float passing by and the striking up the next band I realized that I had no idea where the race ended. I kept jogging. Then suddenly out of the crowd appeared two of my teenage children. “Yea Mom! You can do it!” My greeting to them was far from characteristic. I managed to pant out “Where’s the end of the ‘darn’ race’?” (Language has been revised to protect this Grandma) “Mom!!!” They laughed. I think they were as shocked as I was.

I crossed the finish line about forty minutes after everyone else. The fruit was gone. The tee shirts were gone. Most of the people had gone off to watch the parade with their families. The thing that was not gone and that lives on with me to this day is what it felt like to do something hard with next to no human support. I came away that day with a greater witness that with God nothing is impossible.

I’ve come a long way in the last 17 years and I’m very grateful. During Triathlon 2009 I wasn’t alone or without encouragement from other participants for even a minute. At the end of each lap, during the swim, a young girl assigned to my lane announced how many laps had done and cheered me on. As I swam to the other end, there were my kids, waiting their turn to swim and chiming out, “You’re doing it Mom!”

The fellowship didn’t end with the official volunteers and my family. The participants themselves were more than willing to encourage this perfect stranger. The bike section was accomplished in two five-mile loops and the run in two mile and a half loops. If you were slow, and I was, you met the same faster racers several times as they literally ran circles around you. My personal favorite was the young fellow who passed me several times and reminded me not only that I wasn’t alone, but that I was doing something kind of cool “for my age.” Four times he passed me and shouted out, “Ata Girl!” It wasn’t just the perfect strangers who biked and ran circles around me. My own kids passed me coming and going. As each one saw me in the distance, coming toward them, a hand would reach out and meet mine with a slap that said “don’t give up” mom! It’s a great thing to watch your kids accomplish something challenging, on purpose, together! True fellowship is not competitive; it’s compassionate.

As I finished the Triathlon I had to run past all the racers that had completed the experience well before me, including my children. I ran through the finish line and received cheers from a large crowd (one of the benefits of coming in at the tail end) and hugs from my children (one of the benefits of being the mom). I didn’t have any sense that I was being congratulated by people who had beaten me in a race but by people who had taught me how to race.

As I look back today on my first and now my last athletic experience I see that each of these events taught me something important. In my first race, 17 years ago, I discovered that with God alone, I can do hard things. In this last race I was reminded that the Lord often surrounds us with fellow travelers. Whether He gifts us with His very personal company or with an army of mortal encouragers we are never ever required to go it alone!

By Nannette W.
Posted Saturday, April 25, 2009

Copyright 2008 by Nannette W. All rights reserved. Making or sending copies is permitted if the page is not changed in any way and the material is not used for profit. This notice must be included on each copy made or sent.

Family Support – Give It Time!

Early in my application of the 12 Steps I admitted to my spouse and children that I was working on changing some things about myself. I let them know that I was not only going to work on my compulsive overeating, I was also going to work on my perfectionism. Becoming honest about our own imperfections and struggles and practicing the principles of recovery in the open, in front of our children, spouses, parents, siblings, and friends is a challenge.

First, it is tempting to others to use our weaknesses and our honesty about weaknesses as an opportunity for manipulation. Here’s a little example: One day I requested that my child clean his or her room (I’ll let this child remain anonymous). To my utter amazement, in retaliation, I was reminded by the child that, “You’re just a perfectionist mom! You should see my friends’ rooms!” I was accused of acting out on an obsessive desire to have a clean house because I asked a teenager to clean up.

The reality of addiction, the discomfort of withdrawal, coming to understand that we can’t fix each other, coupled with a new honesty in the house makes for an environment where any of us might seize the opportunity to throw recovery in the face of another instead of working on our own.

Second, sometimes in a family setting, with recovery on the front burner, hard things are pointed out to us, not to manipulate, but because they’re true. I find that if I am honest, open minded and willing to listen, those who are truthful with me can be truly helpful. Here’s an example: The other day I was on the phone with someone who needed to talk to me as soon as possible. I was on my way out the door to go to a meeting. I told the woman I would be home about 1:15 pm and I would give her a call. My husband overheard the conversation. When I hung up he said, “Why do you do that?” “Why do I do what?” I responded. “Why do you tell her you’ll be home at 1:15 when you’re never home until after 1:30.” In my perfectionism and my desire to please people I chronically make appointments I can’t possibly make on time. It’s crazy I know. Well, I was tempted to be defensive with my husband and his observation. But instead, and “in recovery” I said, “Your right. I’ll call her back.” I called the woman back and made an appointment not based on my desire to please her but on my honest ability to keep the appointment. I’m trying to practice not getting defensive in the face of the truth about me.

It’s tempting to take advantage of someone’s newly admitted fallen state. It’s also hard to hear the truth about ourselves from people who know us best. When my honesty becomes their means to manipulate I pray for the ability to not take it personally. I try to remember that we are all learning. When their honesty presents an opportunity for me to have a good look at myself I pray for the humility to use it as an opportunity to grow. It takes a while to establish an atmosphere of honesty, humility, accountability, and loving patience with the process, in the home. We not only recover and heal as individuals, but as families. Family Support – Give It Time!

By Nannette W.
Posted Monday, January 12, 2009

Copyright 2008 by Nannette W.
All rights reserved. Making or sending copies is permitted if the page is not changed in any way and the material is not used for profit. This notice must be included on each copy made or sent.

Puzzled? – The Power of Example

One thing I didn’t get to do this season was to put together a puzzle. Relaxing is not my forte, but when a puzzle is on the dining room table and the members of my family who like that sort of thing are sitting around chatting and laughing and announcing every puzzle piece they have been cleaver enough to place – I simply can’t resist! The one problem my family has with putting a puzzle together is that there are not enough lids to the puzzle box to go around. The picture is the key to all our success. If there is ever any upset during the activity is it likely because someone has taken possession of the box lid and no one else can make any progress.

I was doing a little spring-cleaning after the holidays and ran across a box of 500 and 1000 piece puzzles we had done in past years. They were all the “really cute” ones that we had such a good time putting together and I couldn’t bear to throw away. Apparently no one wants to do them again because they’ve already been done. As I looked through the box there were a couple of puzzles that did find their way to the trash. They were puzzles that for some reason or another had been put into zip lock bags. No Box! No Picture! As I pulled them out my thought was, “There is no way in the world anyone would ever dump these thousand pieces out on a table and try to put this puzzle together without a picture of the finished product, without any clues.

That’s what trying to apply the 12 Steps would be like without the example of those who have already taken this road. When we hear their stories, what their life was like, what it’s like now, the steps they took, and the tools they used, we begin to feel a spark of hope that we too might be able to make progress. For me, that’s the blessing of attending recovery support meeting, calling support people, and reading about the experience of others.

It’s so tempting to resist coming to meetings, making calls, seeing examples in the scriptures, and spending time reading about the recovery of others because we’re embarrassed by our great need. We hope that somehow we can figure it out on our own. I want to remember that going it alone in recovery, with no example of how it works, is impossible. The “old timers” are key! Trying to apply these 12 principles without examples is like trying to put together a 1000 piece puzzle that’s been dumped in a baggie. There’s a reason we all fight over the lid to the puzzle box. Without it we’re sunk. With it there is every reason to believe that, as we work together, the puzzle will come together.

By Nannette W.
Posted Saturday, January 10, 2009

Copyright 2008 by Nannette W.
All rights reserved. Making or sending copies is permitted if the page is not changed in any way and the material is not used for profit. This notice must be included on each copy made or sent.

“Have You Considered the Math Lab?” – Seeking Support

Today I am writing in honor of, but not exclusively to, the many fall 2008 students who have almost made it past the September mile marker but not yet across the December finish line. My heart goes out to you and my prayers reach up for you, but I know it won’t be adequate!

“What?” you say, “Prayer, not adequate?”

I’m reminded of my son Andrew. Before he left to serve an LDS mission, he completed his first four-month experience at the university. Math was the biggest challenge of the semester. He showed up for class, did his homework, and prayed for help. But his test scores were not encouraging. At the beginning of the semester I discussed with him the blessing the “math lab” had been to his older sister. He exhibited absolutely no interest. As the semester wore on and math depression set in, every once in a while, in my best “Cautious now, don’t give your college boy too much motherly advice” voice, I would suggest he make a visit to the math lab. He would look at me with a bit of disgust in his eyes and say, “Oh…they won’t be able to help me!”

Finally, when there was just enough time left to pull his grade out of the cellar he came home one day with a big grin on his face and announced that the math lab was the greatest place on campus.

Like math, application of the 12 steps is not a do it yourself project. A common discovery among those who struggle with compulsive/addictive behavior and are finally reaching out for help is that, “It was my best efforts that got me into this mess.”

So often we decide that we are either beyond the help of others or that our problem is to menial for anyone’s attention. “Oh…they won’t be able to help me!” We wait and wait and try to go it on our own, making promise after promise, resolution after resolution, until the pain of our problem finally drives us to seek the help we needed and could have had much sooner.

Those who are finding success living in recovery reach out for help everyday and sometimes multiple times a day. It takes humility to admit you need to be in the math lab, that you can’t figure it our by yourself. It takes great humility to make a phone call during a time of temptation; to go to recovery meetings; to make an appointment with the Bishop and tell him you are ready to accept his assistance in the repentance process; to ask someone to help you do an inventory of your part in some problem or situation and to help you see how you might make amends. When we reach out we let go of our prideful need to be self-sufficient.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints Addiction Recovery Program is the “lab” for anyone who is struggling with compulsive/addictive behavior, and for those who cannot readily identify with addiction. It is the “lab” for anyone who feels helpless and powerless to resolve any of the problems of life. The Mission Statement reads, “…As we practice these 12 steps in our lives, we receive power through the Atonement of Jesus Christ…” Practicing the steps is not a solitary work.

President Gordon B. Hinckley said that you need, “a friend in the Church to whom you can constantly turn, who will walk beside you, who will answer your questions, who will understand your problems” (Ensign, Oct. 2006, 4). He also said: “…Band together and strengthen one another. And when the time of temptation comes, you will have someone to lean on, someone to bless you and give you strength when you need it. That is what this Church is for, so that we can help one another in our times of weakness…” (Eugene Oregon Regional Conference, September 15, 1996)

I don’t want to resist my need for the “lab” (my need to receive help). My progress requires that I seek support. The Lord has made the recourses available so that I don’t have to wait until the end of the semester, or the end of day, or even the end of hour.

By Nannette W.
Posted Monday, September 29, 2008

Copyright 2008 by Nannette W. All right reserved.
Making or sending copies is permitted if the page is not changed in any way and the material is not used for profit. This notice must be included on each copy made or sent.

“No More Monkeys Jumping on the Bed” – Fellowship: Meetings and the Help of Trusted Support People

The rhyme “No More Monkeys Jumping on the Bed” is a favorite among all the little kids in my world. For those of you who don’t know, it starts out, “Five little monkeys jumping on a bed. One fell off and broke (or “bumped” depending upon the rendition) his head. Mama called the doctor and the doctor said, ‘No more monkeys jumping on the bed.” It goes on to tell the story of the four that were left and how they learned absolutely nothing from the one who is now under a doctor’s care. One by one they mindlessly take up jumping again. One by one they repeat the experience of the first little monkey until all of them have been carried off on a stretcher and there are literally, “No more monkeys jumping on the bed!” Why? Because there are no more monkeys left! One day I was singing this song with a group of kids I care a lot about and the thought came to me, “You know Nannette, there’s a message here!”

One blessing of attending recovery meetings and seeking out and working with the support of those who have personally applied the 12 Steps, is the opportunity to learn from the experience of others. And what experience do we share? We share what life was like for us when we refused countless times to learn from the suffering of others and the resulting fall that broke our bodies, our spirits, and our relationships. Then we share the great contrast between life then and our life in recovery today.

This is a rhyme about five little monkeys who refused to begin a life in recovery by learning from the experience of their fellow primates. My hope is that someday there will be an end to the cycle of needless damage to bodies and souls. Someday there will be “No More Monkeys Jumping on the Bed” not because the last little monkey has fallen of, but because we choose to learn from each other, from those who have gone before, to accept God’s direction and power, and to opt out of destructive behavior. Any one of us can put an end to this rhyme. We can say, “This Little Monkey’s Done Jumping on the Bed!” With God’s help I can do it today!

By Nannette W.
Posted Friday, September 5, 2008

Copyright 2008 by Nannette W. All right reserved.
Making or sending copies is permitted if the page is not changed in any way and the material is not used for profit. This notice must be included on each copy made or sent.