Why All the Wreckage? – Steps 8 and 9 Forgiveness, Restitution, and Reconciliation

Hi, I’m Nannette and today I’d like to share a thought about why those of us who have lived in addiction have not only harmed ourselves but those around us.  This is not a cheery subject, but I think it’s an important thing to understand.  Becoming aware of and doing what we can to take care of the harm we have done to others is a critical aspect of recovery.

“I’m only hurting myself.  If you’re bothered by my behavior you should get a life because this is my problem.”  This is a very common attitude of those who struggle with additions.  My friend told me that when she went to rehab they told her that every addict affects at least thirty people.  I think that’s a small number, because I’ve been to family reunions and there are often more than thirty people there.  We affect a lot of people.  Sometimes family members of those struggling with addiction wonder why in the world they’re affected, “After all, this is my spouse’s (or child’s) problem!”  The reality is that we love each other.  We genuinely care.  We belong to a Church that speaks of eternal families.  Of course we affect each other.

Two of the most challenging steps of recovery are Step 8, “Make a written list of all persons you have harmed and become willing to make restitution to them” and Step 9 “Wherever possible, make direct restitution to all persons you have harmed.”  When I first read the steps I hoped I could skip these two steps altogether and recover just fine, but I couldn’t. In A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing it says in the chapter dedicated to Step 8, “Before our recovery, our addictive lifestyles were like a tornado full of destructive energy that cut through our relationships, leaving much wreckage behind.”  Why is that?  Why so much damage?

Recently I discovered a verse in the Book of Mormon that got me wondering what it is about addiction that takes such a heavy toll on anyone standing in its wake.  At first glance you may not think this verse has anything to do with addiction, but bear with me:

“Because of pride, and because of false teachers, and false doctrine, their churches have become corrupted, and their churches are lifted up; because of pride they are puffed up. They rob the poor because of their fine sanctuaries; they rob the poor because of their fine clothing; and they persecute the meek and the poor in heart, because in their pride they are puffed up” (2 Nephi 28:12-13).

The world of addiction, though not a conventional church, certainly is a place of worship for many. One of the definitions of worship is extravagant devotion and excessive attachment (see Merriam-Webster Dictionary and Thesaurus).  This does indeed describe the relationship of addicts to drugs, alcohol, food, money, possessions, pornography, TV, computer games – the list goes on and on.  Addiction is the kind of church described above, built on pride, by false teachers, on false hopes and it is full of corruption.  In order to support this extravagant devotion or worship, the addicted must steal.  This verse describes the truth that there is no mercy.  Rich and poor alike are affected.  In the last two years my children’s old car that sits in front of our house has been robbed three times, but the kind of theft that takes place in addiction is not limited to money or material possessions pawned to get money for drugs.  As addicts we rob those around us of their time, their relationships with others, their trust, their energy, their health, their feelings of worth, their hopes and their dreams.

The thought that came to me as I read this verse is that those of us who have worshiped at the church of addiction have had to steal from others, causing great harm, in order to support ourselves and the substances and behaviors that have become for us a kind of idol.  Why? When we follow and worship the Lord Jesus Christ He supports us, He empowers us, He loves us. When we follow and worship the addictive things of this world we are not supported by the Lord.  We are all on our own, but the things we worship require support – $$$$, time, energy – things we do not have of ourselves, so we have to steal form others to maintain our god, with a small “g.”

It doesn’t seem to matter what we worship instead of God.  Any addiction places us in spiritual bankruptcy, and that empty account has to be filled some way.  All of us who have struggled with addiction are guilty of robbery.

I’ve never paid too much attention to the words of the second verse of the song, “I am A Child of God,” but the other day they struck me with great force—“I am a child of God and so my needs are great.”  We are not low maintenance. As children of God we stand in great need, and we cannot meet those needs by ourselves.  A vital part of recovery is to do the best we can to make amends for or return what we have taken from others in our misguided need to support ourselves and our addictions.  In recovery we move from spiritual poverty and a life of “crime” against ourselves and others to a life supported by the only One who can truly meet our great needs.

By Nannette W.  Posted Thursday, November 11, 2011

Copyright 2008 by Nannette W. All rights reserved. Making or sending copies is permitted if the page is not changed in any way and the material is not used for profit.  This notice must be included on each copy made or sent.

 

Potato Peels Are Just The Beginning – Steps 4-10

Who knew a few potato trimmings could cause such trauma in the kitchen! The day of rest turned into the day of the big mess with just a flick of the disposal switch. With chicken gravy on the stove and the taters my daughter had cleaned and seasoned baking in the oven, Sunday dinner looked like it was going to be a great success. I glanced into the sink as I passed by and noticed a few potato trimmings way down in the disposal. “Oh, it doesn’t look like there’s much there. I bet it will go down the drain just fine,” I said to myself as I flipped the disposal switch. I had an immediate second thought about my decision, but it was too late. Within seconds I knew I had created a giant problem. “Why oh why hadn’t I just reached down and pulled those scraps out and put them into the trash?”

My husband walked through the kitchen just as water with hundreds of little tiny potato peelings began welling up on one side of the double sink. The memory of the Sunday I put brown rice down the drain came to my mind. My husband just shook his head. He was silent, but “here we go again” was written all over his face. “Don’t you worry!” I assured him and invited him to leave the kitchen. I grabbed the plunger, ran the water and the disposal and plunged for all I was worth. Nothing! “Maybe if I just let it sit for a while something will break through,” I thought as I worked toward dinner. I could see that I was getting nowhere.

Eventually my husband and my son-in-law got into it. We did all the things people do. We ran more and more water. We ran the disposal again and again and of course, we plunged and plunged. We stopped up the disposal side of the sink to create some resistance and plunged and plunged some more. Nothing!

We used a pail and got all the water out of the sink, disinfected the area around the sink and sat down to Sunday dinner. We took a short break and for thirty minutes and we all pretended there was no problem. I sat and visited and ate and hoped that something miraculous was going on down in those pipes.

I won’t bore you or disgust you with all the details of the next two days. Suffice it to say that today our sink works. No small thing. One husband, one son-in-law, one neighbor, two plumbers and a lot of money later, the water flows freely.

I’ve learned a thing or two about our plumbing. A little disposal worth of potato peals can a very large mess make if those peals are trying to get down a small already mucked up pipe. The plumber says that once a month we should fill the sink with water, turn on the disposal and run water through the line to keep the pipes cleaned out!

This little experience with a plugged up pipe in the house made me think of the brilliance of Steps 4-10. I am like that pipe! Many of us come to apply the 12 Steps because in some aspect of our lives we are stuck. We can’t move forward and it isn’t for lack of trying. We are aware of many of our imperfections. Most of us have done some confessing. We’ve told God we wish we were making greater progress. We’ve said we were sorry and asked for forgiveness on several occasions, and we try not to go to bed angry. But we are still stuck.

When I first read through the 12 Steps I thought to myself, “Well, I kind of like the first three and the last three, but I’m not doing the ones in the middle. The following are the Gospel principles represented by the middle Steps:

Step 4 “Truth”
Step 5 “Confession”
Step 6 “Change of heart”
Step 7 “Humility”
Step 8 “Seeking forgiveness”
Step 9 “Restitution and Reconciliation”
Step 10 “Daily Accountability”

Today I see that not being willing to take those steps thoroughly and dabbling about with repentance is like using a plunger on a plugged up drain that is ultimately going to require a fifty-foot plumbing snake and daily maintenance.

The fellow that unplugged the sink was finally able to get to the root of the problem. Tuesday morning I woke up to a sink where the water could run freely, something I won’t take for granted again.

That’s the purpose of Steps 4-10 too. As I do the work required I discover a kind of water that runs more freely in me too. It’s the “Living Water”, the life changing water the Lord promised to that ancient “Woman at the Well” in John 4:10.

Now I truly don’t mean to offend by comparing our emotional and spiritual inner workings to the plumbing in my house. I know it’s not a very pretty picture, but it’s a picture the Spirit used to get my attention.

As it turns out, the potato peels were not the real culprit. The real problem was a pipe with years and years of build up that had to be cleaned out. It’s the same with our personal cleansing. Eventually, if we want to get unstuck we have to surrender to the process that promises to clean out the years and years of accumulation and free us to move forward.

By Nannette W.
Posted Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Copyright 2008 by Nannette W. All rights reserved. Making or sending copies is permitted if the page is not changed in any way and the material is not used for profit. This notice must be included on each copy made or sent.

“There’s The Killer Right There” – Putting Things Into Perspective – Steps 8 and 9

I arrived at Ethan’s basketball game just in time for the forth quarter. As I entered I looked around the gym and found Ethan sitting “on the bench” (on the folding chair next to his mother). There was a tear rolling down his cheek.

“What’s goin’on buddy?” I asked as he gave me his chair and sat his sweaty little 7-year-old body down on my lap.

“The kid I’m guarding is so mean. He keeps elbowing me and he also kicked my leg. I don’t want to guard him any more.”

I thought I’d get my head in the game and see if I could pick out the big kid who was causing my grandson such anxiety. I didn’t have to wait long. The ball moved down to our end of the court and so did the ten 7-year-olds.

“There’s the killer, right there, Grandma!!!” Ethan said with passion. The “killer” was a very fair, baby faced, little blue-eyed blond kid. To me he just looked like somebody’s little boy playing his first season of basketball. His skinny little arms were raised up toward the basket hoping to get the rebound. There was absolutely nothing frightening about this little fellow.

I watched him (the killer) until Ethan was put back into the game. Then I turned my eyes to the little man I had come to watch. Ethan was guarding someone else now and boy was he ever in this kids face.

“I wouldn’t want Ethan to be guarding me!!!” I thought. I could picture the boy Ethan was guarding being the next one on the sidelines with a tear rolling down his cheek pointing out my grandson to his Grandma saying, “There’s the killer, right there!”

Steps 8 and 9 of the 12 Steps are the steps of forgiveness, reconciliation and restitution. They are the steps we take to free ourselves of cankering feelings that threaten our peace. They are the steps that help us do what ever we can to heal our relationships. One of the miracles I have experienced and heard described over and over is the miracle of being given a new perspective by the Lord, a perspective that allows us to see ourselves and the people and circumstances in our past in the light of truth.

One day the grown man, Ethan, will be sitting and watching his little 7-year-old boy play basketball. Perhaps he will remember “the killer” he had to guard that winter day in 2009. As he looks the situation over, with grown up eyes and a heart that has been touched by God, he’s going to rethink things. “Wait a minute. We were only 7. No 7 year-old is a “killer” on the court!”

It may seem like a little unimportant moment of clarity regarding a very insignificant event in Ethan’s history. However, it’s just such moments of divine perspective over time and over issues great or small that bring to pass in our lives the Savior’s promise. “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you …” (John 14:27)

By Nannette W.
Posted Saturday, March 14, 2009

Copyright 2008 by Nannette W. All rights reserved. Making or sending copies is permitted if the page is not changed in any way and the material is not used for profit. This notice must be included on each copy made or sent.

“Ya, But You Wanna Know What!?!?” – Step 8

When a Grandma is the “honored guest” in the family van there is definitely a science to her placement. She is situated behind the son in law and diagonally behind her daughter for maximum capacity mother daughter chitchat. The youngest child is strategically placed in the captain chair, next to Grandma, for easy access to the senior “board book reader,” “sippy cup picker upper,” and “misplaced binki finder.” Her placement also happens to be directly in front of all older children as “storyteller,” “treat passer outer,” “song leader,” and “travel game enthusiast.” She is also, most importantly, the sender of all messages to the front, parental section of the car and the referee for all battles that erupt because the children are squished in the back of the car, hour after hour. This crowded situation, of course, is the result of bringing Grandma along in the first place. Though this position has its challenges, some Grandmas take to it like a duck to water. I know I do.

This summer I had the unforgettable experience of being the “honored guest” several times with multiple families. Of course, one of the most rewarding aspects of being with children, for me, is learning from what they say. Driving mile after mile through the desert with them might seem like being relegated to the traveling Primary Nursery, but for this grandma it’s like being invited into a greenhouse full of tender new thoughts.

Such seating arrangements on long trips provide opportunities for repentance and forgiveness. Most of us have grown up knowing that one of the four R’s of repentance is “Restitution.” When we repent using the 12 Steps, making restitution does not come until Step 9. If you are new to the steps you may wonder why 12 Steps are suggested when perhaps four steps were adequate in the past. Sometime the 12 Steps are referred to as “baby steps of repentance. One of the most helpful aspects of the 12 Steps in bringing about repentance and change is that each step which requires action, is preceded by a step that asks us to allow God to first prepare our hearts.

Yesterday in an Addiction Recovery Program meeting we were sharing about Step 8, which is to “Make a written list of all persons you have harmed and become willing to make restitution to them.” Mind you, this is a step that takes place in the heart and precedes any and all making of amends. In many cases, before we can possibly make restitution for the harm we have done others we have to become willing to forgive others for the harm they have done to us. The Key Principle for Step 8 is forgiveness.

As we went around the circle in the meeting, sharing both the blessings and challenges of taking Step 8, I had a thought generated by a moment experienced while sitting in my Grandma seat in the “Family Greenhouse (Van).” There I sat, minding my own business of course, when suddenly there was a scream from the back seat. There was a little skirmish amongst two of the back seat sardines. As near as I could tell, “someone” hurt Carson and Carson hurt that “someone” back. It was loud enough to reach the front seat without the aid of Grandma. Dad called back, “Carson, did you hurt your brother?”

Carson’s response was, “Ya, but you wanna know what?”
Carson had a story to tell. Relaying the story did not justify his actions or excuse him from the important task of saying he was sorry or trying to make up for hurting his brother. But, before he could be truly feel regret for his part, it was important to Carson to share his view of the situation with his dad.

Before I can honestly make amends for hurts I have caused and the wrongs I have done I have to sincerely forgive those who have hurt me. The heart of forgiveness is a gift I can seek in conversation with God. Sometimes, after I have been convicted of some offence, the first words out of my heart, directed toward my Father are “Ya, but you wanna know what?”

And He does! He wants to hear my side of the story. He knows its part of the process. I tell Him my view; I feel heard; I feel His love and understanding; Then He tells how He sees the picture. I become willing to be instructed about my part, my wrong; I feel genuinely sorry and willing to seek direction and courage to actually make amends.

I know that true repentance has to be about my sorrow for sin. Justification has no part in making Step 9 amends. But when my heart is full of hurt and my eyes are full of hot tears of anger and regret I am so grateful for a Heavenly Dad who will nod His head in the affirmative when I say, “Ya, but do you wanna know what?!?!?

By Nannette W.
Posted Thursday, November 13, 2008

Copyright 2008 by Nannette W. All right reserved.
Making or sending copies is permitted if the page is not changed in any way and the material is not used for profit. This notice must be included on each copy made or sent.